101 Ways to Burn Down Isengard
by VoldieandtheDeathMunchers
Summary: -DISCONTINUED- When my LOTR crazed best mate and I get transported to Middle Earth... Wait. Oh, crud. This will not end well... PippinxOC, LegolasxOC. Rated for the really stupid, dangerous stuff I do.
1. In Which Riza Does Something Stupid

**A/N: Hey, Scotswoman here with another ****collab**** fic, this time with my ****bestest**** friend ever.**** Just ****so**** you know, this was written as if it was really happening. ****Basically, that**** means this is how we act in real life. ****Don't**** believe me? Ask her yourself. The deal with this is that we alternate every three chapters. I write three, she writes three. ****Get it?**** When ****it's**** her turn, updates **_**will **_**be slow. Deal with it. ****So**** we hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Prologue: In Which Riza Does Something Stupid

"CRUD!"

"What is it now?" a brown-haired girl straightened up from where she was attempting to single-handedly pitch a tent, "You know, you could help me set up camp instead of playing video games."

"I just died again! Stupid Hades!" the black haired girl shouted shutting of the DS and switching the _Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories_ Game Pak for a different one, "And why would I?" She replied to the brunette's suggestion. She rolled her eyes.

"Let me rephrase that: ELIZABETH LILLIAN McKIRDY! SHUT THE BLOODY GAME OFF, GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND HELP ME PUT UP THIS TENT!!!" she smiled sweetly, "Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Riza threw her game on top of her pack and walked over. Within five minutes, they had the tent up, sleeping bags rolled out, and a fire blazing. As the sun began to sink below the horizon, Riza had a fantastic idea.

"Hey Maggie, let's draw a giant transmutation circle on that rock over there!" she said, pointing to one of the large, flat boulders at the cliff's edge. They were camping on Ragged Mountain, with an absolutely beautiful view of the turning trees and the lake at the base.

"You and your anime…" she sighed, sweat dropping.

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun!"

"If I must…"

"Yay!" Sprinting over to her trusty leather backpack, pulling out a handful of magic markers, and tossing two to her best mate, the short, ruby-eyed girl began to trace the outer circle. Rolling her eyes, Maggie joined in.

* * *

"Perfect!" Riza's eyes sparkled as she gazed at the completed array, "Let's activate it!" 

"What are you talking about, idiot?" the other girl deadpanned, yawning.

"Oh come on. It's not like anything's actually gonna happen. It's just for fun. Just put your hands on the circle."

Sighing, she complied.

"Okay…shat was the point in that-" she choked on her own words as the transmutation circle lit up an ominous purple.

"Awesome!" Riza was grinning like an idiot, positively thrilled with herself.

"Awesome?! What the hell did you do!?" Maggie shrieked in a deadly combination of rage and absolute terror.

"I dunno mate, but it's bloody brilliant!"

The roaring wind ceased.

"Rip off!" she shouted, pouting, "It was supposed to transport us to another dimension or show us the Gate, or at _least_ rip a couple limbs off!" she kicked angrily at one of the lines. A portal ripped open suddenly, sucking the both of them, along with their belongings, in. All was silent.

* * *

**Feedback ****is appreciated****, especially since Maggie has no confidence in her writing, which is amazing.**


	2. In Which Maggie Does Something Stupider

**Riza: **Yes, I'm alive!

**Maggie: **_Darn._

**Riza: **Oh, shut up, you freakishly tall Entish person!

**Maggie:** Hobbit.

**Riza:** One more time, and I swear I'll spork you.

**Maggie: **Right, you say that now. But when you even attempt that, my evil vampire pomegranate minion army will defend me.

* * *

Chapter 1: In Which Maggie Does Something Even Stupider

A tall, regal looking elf walked slowly through the forest. His long blonde hair was braided in the customary way, and two ivory knives were strapped to his back, along with his quiver. He carried his bow in one hand, and his piercing blue eyes scanned the forest for the source of the noise that had interrupted his meditation session (anger-management-therapy). Said elf was Legolas, son of Thranduil and Prince of Mirkwood.

Pointed ears pricked up ever so slightly as he heard the faint shouts. Running swiftly to the noise, he skidded to a silent stop, and concealed himself behind a tree. His fair brow creased as he beheld the strangest sight.

"You Height stealer! You stole my height! Give it back, give it back, give it back!" What appeared to be a raven-haired, ruby eyed she hobbit, clad in black, was attempting to maul a tall elf maiden, that he did not recognise, with auburn locks and blue-grey orbs, also wearing black, and screaming about how she was too tall.

"Riza, calm down!" the elf spoke, laughing.

The hobbit paused in her assault, panting. She glared up at her companion. Suddenly a look of confusion overcame her face.

"Maggie…your ears…oh my Kami-sama, you're an elf!" she shrieked.

"Speak for yourself, hobbit," the elf replied, unfazed.

"Who are you calling short--holy shit, you're serious!" the hobbit-Riza-then proceeded to run in circles around the much taller girl, screaming about transmutation circles and giant squirrels. The elf deftly stuck a foot out, which she promptly tripped over a fell flat on her face. She sat up, groaning.

Legolas had to suppress a chuckle. They were acting quite a bit like Merry and Pippin. He chose this time to reveal himself.

"I take it you two are lost?" he asked, smiling lightly.

"Gyaaaaah!"

This time he did laugh as the hobbit jumped nearly a foot in the air. The elf whipped around to face him, and her eyes widened. Her face broke into a grin as she waved madly.

"Hi, Leggy!"

The raven-haired girl gaped. Seizing her arm, she pulled her down to her height.

"You idiot! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?! That's Legolas for crissakes!" he heard her hiss.

"So?"

"So? So? You fangirl!"

At this point, Legolas wondered several things. How did they know who he was, why were they both wearing trousers, although obviously both female, and what on Middle-Earth was a fangirl?

"I think you two ought to come with me!" he said.

At this, the elf took on a dreamy expression, nodding in complete agreement. Her companion however, looked stricken. Grabbing the brunette's hand, she tugged her along as she sprint away. _She's surprisingly fas_t, he thought in amusement, _for one of such short stature. Although she'd probably try to attack me if she heard me say that_.

"What…the hell…were you thinking?" Riza panted, hands on her newly shortened legs.

"I was thinking just how much _hotter _he is in real life…" Maggie sighed, still in a dream-like state.

"Oi, snap out of it!"

"Legolas…"

She positively _boiled_. "I swear to Kami-sama, when I get my hands on him, I will inflict such pain…" she muttered, seizing her best mate's wrist and dragging her back the way they came.

Arriving in the clearing they'd started out in, they were surprised to find their backpacks, tents, sleeping bags, instruments, and equipment: amps, generator and all. They'd planned to meet up with the other three members of their band and campout there for a week before heading off on their debut tour.

Grumbling and sighing, they shouldered their packs, securing the other bags on their backs and each picking up their instruments. They positioned themselves on either side of the generator, taking a handle.

* * *

"One, two, three, hoist!" hefting the heavy metal contraption between them, they began the long, grueling walk toward what they assumed was the direction Legolas had come from. 

**Riza:** So there it is! One or two original characters will be hopefully showing up soon. I'm a bit of a spaz/pyro in this.

**Maggie:** And you're not normally?

**Riza:** No, I'm not.

**Maggie:**-sweatdrops- Sure…

**Riza:** Anyways, see you next time! Reviews for our sick, twisted ideas are appreciated!

**Maggie:** Um, yeah, don't you mean _your_ sick, twisted ideas, shorty?

**Riza:** I AM NOT SHORT!!! –pulls out sniper rifle-

**Maggie:** _Crap_. Review while I run for my life!!!!!!

**Riza:** I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU HEIGHT-STEALER!!!!!!!!!!


	3. In Which Riza Gets Pwned

**Maggie:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! -running for her life- 

**Riza:** Get back here, you height-stealer!

**Ed: **-in bleachers- Go, go, go! Death to the height-stealer!

**Al:** Well, at least she hasn't blown anything up yet. -sweatdrop-

**Riza:** DIE!!! -pulls tab on grenade and chucks it in Maggie's general direction-

**BOOM!!!**

**Al:** …I spoke too soon…

**Ed:** Yeah! C'mon Riza!

**Maggie:** Help me...! –being dragged away by her ankles-

**Ed:**-suddenly turns chibi-

**Riza:** I can make him chibi if I want!

**Ed: **-still chibi- Wait for me! -pulls out hammer three times the size of his body- Please R R while we kill the height stealer! -runs off-

**Al:** You see what I have to deal with every day? -sighs and shakes his head slowly-

* * *

Chapter 2: In Which Riza Gets the Shit Kicked Outta Her!

"Wow…"

They gazed, open mouthed at the elven city. Talans of woven branches rested in the trees larger than houses. Various elves bustled about doing who knows what. Off to one side was a row of targets painted with red and yellow ochre where five or six archers trained.

"Ah! It's you two!" Legolas ran lightly over to them. The hobbit's eyes seemed to darken to a deep burgundy color, and her mouth twisted into a scowl.

"_You_…" she hissed.

"Yes?"

"_You're the one who did this_."

"Did what?" completely confused, he stared at the enraged Halfling.

"You got her like this, now put it right!" she screamed, pointing at her swooning best friend.

"Oh…well, I suppose I could try one thing…I doubt it will work, though."

"What?"

"Forgive me." he whispered, before kissing her full on the lips.

"Mmmm…!" she wormed her way out of his grasp. "You bastard! That was my first kiss! I'M GONNA KILLYOU!" giving an almighty roar, she launched herself at him, attempting to beat him into submission.

Keyword attempting.

* * *

Riza groaned as her body began to ache. Blinking away unconsciousness, she asked,

"Ugh…what happened?"

"You got the shit kicked out of you by the prince of Mirkwood, and got us thrown in jail." She heard Maggie reply, sighing. She suddenly realized that they were bound together, back-to-back.

"Crud."

"You can say that again."

"Crud."

"I didn't mean it literally."

They suddenly heard voices coming from the staircase, at the end of the room.

"Someone's coming." The hobbit pointed out unnecessarily.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Keep digging, Watson."

As the voices got closer, they seemed to be arguing.

"_Come on_, I want to see if the rumors are true!" a voice complained.

"Right. They really have a hobbit and an unknown elf tied up in the basement." a second voice replied sarcastically.

"Let's not fight, I'm just as curious as you are." a third, softer one put in. As the speakers came into view, they saw that they were four hobbits.

"I agree with Mister Frodo." said the plump one. The other three consisted of a slight, raven-haired hobbit who looked somewhat like Riza, and two blondes who could be brothers.

"See! Three against one. three wins!" the shorter blonde said triumphantly, grinning like an idiot( this is only because he had experience, seeing as when he had too much ale, he became one to the severest of cases).

"Oh, shut up, Pip." the other one grumbled. Riza squirmed uncomfortably against her bonds.

"Mind giving me a hand? I can't reach my pocket knife to cut us loose," she said straining to reach where it was hidden in her boot.

They jumped startled. The shorter blonde opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off.

"Don't even say it."

"Why should we help you?" the plump one asked suspiciously.

"I'll tell you why, Samwise Gamgee," Maggie growled, thoroughly pissed off, "We didn't do anything and we just want to GO HOME!!" she screamed.

"Maybe we should just leave them…" Merry said ( they assumed it was Merry ) as King Thranduil, Legolas, and an old man with a wispy white beard, white robes, and a long white staff came down the steps and into the holding room.

"The dark-haired hobbit girl is the one who attacked me after I attempted to break her friend out of a trance." Legolas was telling them. The man raised an eyebrow.

"It seems the hobbits have beaten us here. Tell me, how did your 'interrogation' go?" he asked sternly, although the twinkle in his bright blue eyes belied his amusement. Riza's own ruby ones widened in awe.

"Dude, it's Gandalf! Wicked!"

"Yes, idiot, I can see that."

Gandalf looked mildly surprised.

"It seems my reputation precedes me. Tell me, will you answer any and all questions truthfully?"

The two girls shared a glance as well as they could while tied back-to-back.

"Depends." they said in unison.

"Very well. Who are you?"

"We are ourselves."

"Where do you hail from?"

"Behind us."

"Whither do you wander?"

"Ahead of us."

* * *

"I must ask you to leave us," Gandalf addressed the spectators, "I wish to question them privately."

"Very well." as they left the basement prison, he once again turned to the prisoners.

"I will ask again. Who are you?"

"My name is Maggie Freidman. My companion is called Riza McKirdy."

"Where do you hail from?"

"A place called Scotland."

"Whither do you wander?"

"We know not. We are merely trying to make our way home…" Riza fought back tears. Gandalf smiled gently. He undid the lock on the cell door and untied the elven knots with deft fingers.

"I can see you mean us no harm. You were human once, yes?"

At this, the raven-haired hobbit really did cry. And seeing her best friend like this, the elf began to sob as well. Gathering them into his arms, the old wizard stroked their hair and rocked them back and forth as their façade, both humorous and sarcastic cracked and then shattered, revealing the two terrified, helpless, lost little girls underneath.

"I-I just w-wanna go home!" Riza wailed.

"There, there. All will be well…"

As they finally calmed down, he took their shoulders and smiled.

"Now I need you to tell me everything."

They nodded wiping away any lingering tears. And so they told him their story…

* * *

**Riza:** Wheeee! -cartwheels around studio-

**Maggie: **-covered in bandages- What's up with you?

**Riza** I ish happy! -grins like an idiot-

**Maggie: **-dryly- Obviously.

**Riza:** Review, please! -gets down on hands and knees to beg-


	4. Cursed Filler

Chapter 4

"So there you have it Gandalf," sighed Maggie, "That's why we're here. That dumb, idiotic, no good, piece-of-crap transmutation circle brought us here."

"But it worked!" piped in Riza, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

"Yes, but a bit too well really. You didn't actually expect it to bring us to a different world, in a distant dimension, filled with strange creatures with pointy ears, did you?"

"Maybe, maybe not," grinned Riza, happy at the chance to annoy the so called height-stealer.

"Oh, you hobbit," groaned Maggie.

A fierce glare overcame Riza's face, and what she said next came out in a snarl. "TAKE…THAT…BACK!!!!" And then, with a show of supreme agility, whipped out her trusty spork, stuck it out like a sword, and stabbed the elf. A flurry of blows brought the elf to the stone floor.

"HELP ME!" Maggie croaked.

"Don't you EVER call me a hobbit again, you, you- giant," she fumed.

"Too late, my small friend, already been said," pointed out Maggie.

Once again, Riza lashed out with a ferocious blow, but this time Maggie was ready. She struck the hobbit square in the jaw with an enormous dictionary she pulled out of nowhere, causing Riza to stumble backwards.

"OI, YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT ELF!"

20 minutes later- the battle still rages as fiercely as ever

2 hours later-

Both girls panted heavily, heaving but not willing to admit defeat.

"Give..., up..., elf...," Riza gasped.

"N-never, I..., won't...," said Maggie in return.

And Gandalf, not one for unnecessary violence, but filled with fear of Riza's almighty spork powers, finally stepped in, drawing the battle to a close.

"Elf, hobbit, please. Some dignity," he said, "Now, you two have been friends for who-knows-how-many-years, correct? So put down your spork Riza, and drop the dictionary Maggie."

Both girls, feeling justly chastised, put down their terrible weapons of war, and hugged. Tears began flowing down their cheeks, and throughout the elven castle sobs of "I'm sorry" and "We were so stupid!" were heard. And the elves began to wonder, _Did someone die?_

"Yes, well, that was a bit embarrassing," sniffed Maggie, "After all, we are in the home of the legendary elf, Prince Legolas, and his father the King of Mirkwood, and we just made ourselves look like dumb, savage idiots!"

"Actually," chimed in Gandalf, "it was very entertaining!"

"Whatever, it's done and gone, get over it," stated a very irritated Riza.

"Okay then, moving on. We're here in Middle Earth, with our favorite 'mythological' characters, what do we do?"

"Oh, well that one's easy," Gandalf pointed out.

"And what's that?" the girls asked.

"You said you were a musically talented group."

"A band, yes, called 'The Theory Of Avarice'."

"Very good, then would you be willing to come play your music at the annual anniversary of the returning fellowship?"

"Of course, just tell us the time and place, and we're there," shouted Riza, thrilled at the opportunity.

"It's to be held in Rivendell, 7 days from today."

"Sweet," Riza said as she high-fived Maggie," What songs should we play? How 'bout…, Twilight and shadow? We could incorporate it into hard rock."

"Sounds like a plan," Maggie agreed.


	5. Where the Hell is Edward!

**Maggie: (sniffs) ****I**** miss Edward.**

**Riza: I know, but please shut up. ****I**** have a hangover.**

**Maggie: From what, the iced tea last night?**

**Riza: Caffeine is ****good,**** caffeine at 2 AM is... not.**

**Maggie: ****I**** understand. Well, no, not really.**

**Riza: ****It's**** not my fault I suffer from chronic migraines and insomnia.**

**Maggie: Huh.**

**Riza: What, is that a bad thing?**

**Maggie: Yes, actually, it is.**

**Riza: Right. (****whips**** out spork) Say that again, and- (falls over unconscious).**

**Maggie: Finally, I thought ****she'd**** never pass out.**

--

Chapter 4: Where the Hell is Edward?!

The girls spent the following days, exploring the castle, as well as the forest. They several times came very close to losing themselves in Mirkwood's eerie, inky blackness. When not trying to commit themselves (unknowingly) to, an idiotic, suicidal death, they packed up equipment and provisions for the journey.

Maggie had begun to forgive Legolas once more, realizing his actions had only been the best thing for her mental well-being. True, she did not like it, well, maybe a little, that the elf had begun grow on her. She was starting to not mind the fact that he had kissed her best friend. Sure she still resented it, but it didn't bother her nearly as much as is had earlier.

And of course, Riza and Maggie bickered as much as ever, and the furious battle always resulted in a flood of tears.

--

"Excuse me girls," a polite elf stated, walking in on one of the duo's more,…. Ferocious arguments (more considerable terrifying then even the Epic Battle of the Spork and Dictionary), "I apologize for interrupting, but Gandalf and his royal highness, the Prince of Mirkwood, would like to converse with you."

This stopped them in their tracks.

Maggie blatantly stated, "I assume it's about the festival, and/or, the travel to arrive there?"

"I was not informed on the subject, but that is what I have assumed thus far, yes."

"Well, we mustn't keep the _pri__ce_ waiting," murmured Riza sarcastically (she hadn't been quite as gracious as Maggie had when it came to forgiveness).

"Oh lighten up," whispered Maggie so the messenger wouldn't hear, and she nudged the begrudging hobbit with her shoulder.

And with that, they stalked off to meet Legolas and Gandalf.

--

They found the people they had been searching for in one of the palace's many studies, high up in one of the terraces. They were pouring over a weathered, stained, abused, tattered, barely-readable, worn, grimy map.

"Jesus H. Christ!!" Riza screamed.

"What, what is it? Has Sarumon been reincarnated? Has he come back as a flesh eating zombie, intent upon destroying Middle-earth, and setting all good-green things to flame, and enslaving the good-Shire folk, and turning Edward, the awesomest vampire ever, into a ravenous killing machine, and, and-" Maggie rambled.

"NO, GODDAMMIT, EDWARD'S NOT EVEN IN THIS FRIGGIN WORLD!! Now shut the bloody hell up!!" Riza shouted, "That, you oblivious, dimwitted elf, is the original map of the Fellowship. That is the map they used to navigate their way through the dredges of Middle-earth. The mine fields, damn, I mean battle fields, bogs, vales, swamps, mountains, and any other landmark your limited mind can think of!"

"Wait, Edward's not here?" Maggie pouted.

"NO YOU IDIOT HE'S NOT!!"

"Oh, drat. You sure?"

"Yes, Maggie. I'm sure."

Maggie moped, sitting against the wall.

"What about Alice? Emmett? Jasper? Esme? Carlisle? Or Victoria? Or James? Wait, what if James is the 9th ring wraith? Come on, tell me they're here! They have to be! They just have to!"

"Maggie, this is LOTR we're talkin' here. Okay? Not Twilight, or New Moon, or Eclipse."

"Well, you know," Maggie sniffled, "I figured since we were living our perfect fantasies, there might be a chance that Edward and the 'clan' would be here. Except for Bella. She took Edward from me. He doesn't know it yet, but he's really in love with _**me**. He's just in denial right now."_

"Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. He's never even met you. And besides, if they were here, then Ed and Al Elric would be too. And Roy Mustang. That way I could spork him to death. DEATH TO COLONEL BASTARD!"

"That's exactly why he's in denial, don't you see?"

_"I give up…"_

"Huh, why?"

"Like I said, _I give up_."

"Suit yourself."

Riza shook her head, ever so slowly, and banged it back against the wall (multiple times).

"Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself."

"That. Is. The. Point."

"Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Maggie raised her hand and began to frantically jump up and down. "Ooh, ooh, me! Pick ME!" she yelled.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, you said any other landmark my limited mind could think of. And I've got one!"

Riza sighed, "Yes Maggie? What is the bloody place?"

"Isengard!" the elf stated proudly.

"Dimwit," she muttered softly, but Maggie, with her newly found hearing, overheard.

"You're calling me the dimwit? You don't know the weight of the internet! IT'S 0.02 Millionths OF A FREAKIN' OUNCE!"

"Um, pardon me," said Legolas, "but what is the 'internet' and why is its weight so amazing as to be shouted over?"

"Look, it's nothing ok?" said Riza exasperatedly.

"For the love of the Shire, settle down will you three!" shouted Gandalf.

They immediately shut up, for an angry and/or annoyed wizard is anyone's worst nightmare, and not one to be provoked without catastrophic results.

And so they proceeded to plan, prepare, bicker, scream, spork people, argue, fling papers, jump off buildings, and wreak havoc to Gandalf's mind, driving him precariously close to complete, and utter, insanity.

--

They walked for miles, Maggie skipping along joyously, humming her favourite emo song (a.k.a. No More Sorrow, Linkin Park), which was slightly screamo, bass heavy, and just plain loud. Riza, on the other hand, complained the whole time, every second of every minute, or every hour, for the whole God. Damn. Trip. Her curses were in several different languages including L33T and some of her own, sounding something like:

"Purple fudge monkeys, I hate that n00b elf! Merde, when did that zurcir tree get there, and how the infierno did my shoes get that much mud on them, and..." so on and so forth.

--

"Wow! It's, it's, it's RIVENDELL!!" Maggie shrieked in pure delight.

"Here we freakin' go again," Riza murmured.

Maggie flung herself down the slope and sprinted to the elf guarding the bridge.

"Hi dude! I'm Maggie! This is Rivendell! Well, duh, you know that already," she blathered.

"Um, please back up veeeerrrryyyy slowly," said the guard cautiously, raising his spear slightly.

"What, you think I'm insane? Hahahahaha," Maggie grinned, slapping him on the back.

"I said _back away_."

"Maggie, leave the guard alone and relax," sighed Riza.

The elf (Maggie) plopped down on the ground, and began to meditate.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Riza whispered in her ear.

"Well, you said relax, so I thought you might've meant-,"

"No, relax, as in chill-the-heck-out."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Look, let me, Gandalf, or Legolas talk for now, while you get over the shock of it all. Okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Maggie sighed, already back to her normal self.

Riza clapped her best mate on the back, and gave her a hand, pulling her up.

"Well guys, what're we waiting for?"

--

**Riza:**(still unconscious)

**Maggie: **Edward! NO!

**Riza: **(still unconscious)

**Maggie: **No, no, no, no. Edward is here. He is. (starts kicking random tree furiously)

**Riza:** (still unconscious)

**Maggie: **God dammit, wake up you hobbit! I need someone to listen to me! No one understands! (still kicking random tree)

**Riza:** (still unconscious)

**Maggie:** I SAID WAKE UP! (kicks tree even harder)

**Riza: **(still unconscious)

**Maggie: **Shit! I think I just broke my foot! Again! STUPID GODDAMN TREE! (punches tree)

**Riza: **(wakes up) What are you doing hopping around like that? Oh, I get it, you broke your foot! Haha! (falls back asleep)

**Maggie:** Review while I, ow, go to the, ow, emergency, OW, room, ow, please.


	6. Coughing Up Blood is No Fun

**Riza:** Hi…

**Maggie:** What's up with you? You're usually all bouncy and weird and stuff.

**Riza:** It's nothing… -sigh-

**Maggie:** Oh. Insomnia strikes again, huh?

**Riza:** Yeah. I just-- I physically _can't _sleep. It _sucks._

**Maggie:** Go take a nap, I'll handle this chapter.

**Riza:** Thanks… -lays down on the couch-

**Maggie: **The song _Storm Clouds _belongs to us. Words by Riza, music by me.

--

**Chapter 5 - Coughing Up Blood Is No Fun**

Maggie sighed as she watched Gandalf speaking quietly to the guards in Elvish. Even if she was an Elf now, she couldn't understand it. Riza was the language fanatic, maybe she could tell her what they were saying. She poked the girl.

"What are they talking about?"

"No idea. They're using Sindarîn, I only know Quenya," she replied.

"How can you tell if you don't know it?"

"The two dialects are actually quite distinct to the experienced ear. It's like, if you hear someone speaking German, you know it's German, even if you can't understand it."

"Oh."

They broke off their conversation as one of the guards approached them.

"Follow me. I'll show you to your quarters," he motioned regally for the other hobbits to follow and Riza rolled her eyes.

--

By the time they finished climbing all the stairs to the main level, Riza was bent double. She suddenly began making little gagging noises, sinking to her knees and clutching her chest. Maggie was immediately at her side, two fingers hovering over her open mouth.

"Not breathing…!" she swore, seizing the hobbit's pack from her shoulders and digging wildly until she found what she was looking for. "Somebody hold her upright!" she commanded. The guard moved to do so, as the other four shifted nervously. Uncapping the inhaler, she pressed it 

between her half-conscious friend's lips and punched the canister down once. Giving three quick chest compresses, she made sure she was breathing before giving another two shots.

Gasping for air, Riza began coughing violently until she spit something sticky and red out.

Pippin recoiled in horror.

"Is that…_blood?_"

"Yeah, it is. You got a problem with that?" she muttered, struggling to stand up, still woozy. Maggie moved to support her.

"But- that's _bad!_"

"_No._ I knew you were stupid, but that's just pathetic," she spat while wiping her mouth on one long, black sleeve. His eyes widened slightly in shock. Maggie sent him an apologetic look before lunging to catch her friend, who had just fallen unconscious.

Lifting her up onto her back, the she-elf sighed.

"Pippin… I'm really sorry. She always gets that way after an attack, so don't take it personally."

"Then… this happens often?" Frodo asked, speaking for the first time.

"Yeah. I won't tell you why, it's not my place to say, but I will tell you this: Riza… I think she resents the fact that her body is so weak. Her immune system isn't as strong as other people's are and she gets sick a lot. She thinks that makes _her_ weak. Because of that, she's created this hard, cold exterior to protect herself. Once you get past that, though, she's really quite a sweet girl."

To say the hobbits were surprised at such wise words coming out of the usually, for lack of a better term, stupid elf's mouth would have been an understatement. Pippin frowned, then nodded slowly. They could almost see the cogs turning in his head, trying to think of a way to crack that tough outer shell.

Maggie gave a wistful smile and turned to the guard.

"We'd best be going now. I'm sure they're wondering where we are," she said cheerfully. The guard nodded, and they continued on.

_Maybe… maybe now she can be happy…_

--

Riza awoke in an extremely comfortable bed, covered by the softest blankets she'd ever had the pleasure to feel. Groaning, she sat up, clutching her throbbing head. When she glanced about the room, she realized she was quite alone.

She swung her legs out of the bed and stood up, smoothing the wrinkles out of her clothes.

"Ugh, I need aspirin," she groaned, "Maggie, you there?"

"Yeah, over here!" the elf poked her head in the doorway, "Good, you're up. We have to set up for the concert now, people are starting to arrive."

"Fine."

They walked quickly to the main hall, where they found their equipment in a large heap, being admired and gawked at by the passing elven folk. One of the younger children was even so daring as to go up to one of the amplifiers and poke it. Riza growled slightly, then made a sort of barking noise, scaring the poor kid off.

They worked quickly, although not silently. Maggie hummed _Situations_ repeatedly while Riza muttered to herself in German, trying to start the generator. It took her some time before she realized it was water-powered. Smacking herself in the head, she quickly had two elves procure the needed fluid.

As soon as the generator was up and running, they began to hook up their amps and speakers. The duo managed to cause quite a ruckus when they turned them on and got static: about half of the guests jumped nearly a foot in the air, thinking it was the ninth Nazgul back to destroy them all, and the other half just complained rather loudly. The problem was quickly remedied, however, when they plugged in their instruments and began to tune them. (Riza in particular enjoyed scaring passerby with her electric guitar).

"I think that's it..." Maggie sat back and grinned at the familiar sight of her keyboard and violin.

"Yep, we're good!" the hobbit's face was practically glowing with pride. The other girl could tell she absolutely couldn't wait to start the concert, though they both knew it was set to begin at sundown when everyone would have arrived.

Sunset couldn't come quickly enough for the two as they sat and listened to various important people make speeches. At last, though, they heard Gandalf announce in the common tongue that they had 'two very special performers this night'. They grinned and high fived before running up to their mikes, which various audience members had been eying throughout the speeches.

"Whaddaya think, should we give 'em a culture shock or start 'em off easy?" Riza asked.

"Eh, start em off easy. I'm feeling nice today."

"Right then," she grabbed her mike, riding high on the adrenaline rush performing always gave her, "How y'all doing today!"

A few members of the audience replied, but obviously that wasn't good enough for her.

"I said how y'all doing today?!"

Maggie took her cue.

"We're here to make some music! Now, who wants to hear us play?"

"Great! We're gonna start off with a song called _Dark Road!"_

Maggie played the opening chord.

_It's a dark road_

_And a dark way that leads to my house_

_And the word says_

_You're never gonna find me there, oh no_

_I've got an open door_

_It didn't get there by itself_

_It didn't get there by itself_

_There's a feeling_

_But you're not feeling it at all_

_There's a meaning_

_But you're not listening anymore_

_I look at that open road_

_I'm gonna walk there by myself (oh oh)_

_And if you catch me I might try to run away_

_You know I can't be here to long_

_And if you let me I might try to make you stay_

_Seems you never realize a good thing till it's gone_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh..._

_Oh_

_Ooh, oh_

_Maybe I'm still searching_

_But I don't know what it means_

_All the fires of destruction are still burning in my dreams_

_There's no water that can wash away this longing to come clean_

_Hey, yeah, yeah!_

_Ooh, ooh, ooh_

_I can't find the joy within my soul_

_It's just sadness taking hold _

_I wanna come in from the cold_

_And make myself renewed again_

_It takes strength to live this way_

_Same old madness everyday_

_I wanna kick these blues away_

_I wanna learn to live again!_

_Hey, hey, hey, hey!_

_Hey, hey, hey, hey!_

_Hey, hey, hey, hey!_

_Hey, hey, hey, hey..._

_There's a dark road_

_And a dark way that leads to my house_

_And the word says_

_You're never gonna find me there, oh no_

_I've got an open door_

_It didn't get there by itself_

_It didn't get there by itself..._

The applause was tentative at first, but then grew. Riza grinned, happier than she'd been in a long time. Up here, she was in her element. Maggie yelled into the mike,

"Alright! This next one is called _Storm Clouds!"_

_I Iook up at the sky _

_And I see the dark clouds coming_

_I bathe in the tears they cry_

_And I know they're coming for me _

_I look down at the earth _

_And I see the cracks forming _

_I drop to my knees and cry _

_And I know they're coming for me _

_Can you feel it? _

_They're approaching _

_Covering the earth in shadow _

_Can you see it? _

_The blood on my hands _

_Can never be washed away_

_Storm clouds coming _

_I am weeping _

_Don't you see me _

_Standing here?_

_I look up to heaven _

_And I see his face _

_I can't stop myself from weeping _

_And I know I'll never join him _

_I look down to hell _

_And I see the demons beckoning _

_I can't stop myself from falling _

_And I know that I deserve this _

_Can you feel it? _

_They're approaching _

_Covering the earth in shadow _

_Can you see it? _

_The blood on my hands _

_Can never be washed away_

_Storm clouds coming _

_I am weeping _

_Don't you see me _

_Standing here?_

_I can't stand this anymore _

_My pain is too great _

_I can't take this any more_

_My guilt is a heavy weight_

_I look at his picture _

_And I see the kindest angel _

_I wonder why god hates me so _

_They're coming for me..._

They launched into the next song almost immediately, stopping only for a moment to catch their breaths.

_Under your spell again_

_I can't say no to you_

_Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand_

_I can't say no to you_

_Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly_

_Now I can't let go of this dream_

_I can't breathe_

_But I feel good enough_

_I feel good enough_

_For you_

_Drink up sweet decadence_

_I can't say no to you_

_And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind_

_I cna't say no to you_

_Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely_

_And I can't let go of this dream _

_Can't believe_

_That I feel good enough_

_I feel good enough_

_It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good_

_And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall_

_Pour real life down on me_

_Cause I can't hold on_

_To anything this _

_Good enough_

_Am I good enough?_

_For you to love me too?_

_Ah, ah, ah!_

_Ah, ah..._

_Ah_

_So take care what you ask of me_

_Cause I can't no..._

Riza turned to Maggie. Maggie blanched.

"Oh, hell no! They won't even get half the references!"

"Awww, please?" Riza turned the Bambi eyes of d00m on her friend and she gulped.

"Fine, fine! But after this, I pick the song!"

"Deal!" Riza grinned again before turning back to the mike and switching her electric guitar for an acoustic one.

_AQUARIUS!  
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus  
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day_

PISCES!  
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos, or the Ebola virus  


_You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say_

ARIES!  
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon  
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, and give a hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS!  
You will never find true happiness - whatcha gonna do, cry about it?  
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today  
_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today_

_  
GEMINI!  
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence  
Your love life will run into trouble your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest_

CANCER!  
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud  
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

LEO!  
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no  
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavoured pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

VIRGO!  
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent– except for you  
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today  
_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today_

_Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true!_

Where was I?

LIBRA!  


_A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you  
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week_

SCORPIO!  
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window  
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS!  
All your friends are laughing behind your back...  
Kill them.  
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

CAPRICORN!  
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying  
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today  
_

_That's your horoscope for today_

_Ay ay ay ay ay  
That's your horoscope for today!_

The two couldn't help but laugh at the utter bewilderment of their audience. Riza's smile disappeared, however, when Maggie leaned over and whispered something in her ear.

"What? But—"

"You promised!" she said, almost gleefully.

"I also promise you're a dickhead and a bastard," she muttered as Maggie went down and snatched Pippin from the audience. Riza sighed as he stood nervously next to her. She handed him a mike, "just sing into it," she told him. He nodded nervously.

Taking a deep breath, Riza began to sing a lullaby many of the audience knew well.

_Home is behind  
the world ahead _

Pippin caught on quickly, blending his voice to harmonize with hers.

_And there are many paths to tread.  
Through shadow,  
to the edge of night  
until the stars are all alight_

_  
Mist and shadow  
Cloud and shade  
all shall fade_

_all shall... fade._

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I— I didn't really mean it..." she mumbled, a blush staining her cheeks.

"It's alright," he gave her a goofy grin and she had to laugh.

"Well, that's all folks! We hope you enjoyed the show!" Maggie called to the audience over the tumultuous applause.

The three walked off the stage, grinning.

--

**Riza: -**still groggy-I typed all those lyrics all by myself!

**Maggie: **Yes, yes. We're all very proud of you. But I could have typed them way, way faster.

**Riza:** But could you have done it at 3:00 AM when you've had a grand total of three hours of sleep in the past week?

**Maggie: **Well, yes. Actually, I think I could. In fact, I know I could.

**Riza: **I'd like to see you try! –pissed because her insomnia makes her cranky-

**Maggie:** If you must...-said in rather monotone voice-

**Riza: **Don't be so emo! It makes me emo too. I don't wanna be emo right now!

**Maggie:** Well, maybe I am emo. And therefore, you must learn to live with my 'debilitating' mindset and form of expression.

**Riza: **...I'm just gonna nod and smile...

**Maggie: **And then run away in fear. Or at least, I wish you would.

**Riza:** -bambi eyes of d00m- You-- you don't love me anymore...?

**Maggie: **Ah fuck. Not those. Please. Spare my eyes. It hurts... And I do love you. I just don't make it obvious all the time. Ask my sister.

**Riza**: You sure have a funny way of showing it... –rubs various bruises-

**Maggie: **I know. But it's true. Honestly, I do mean it.

**Riza: **I don't know if I believe you... –sulks in a corner-

**Maggie: **You should. Please review while I try to keep my idiot best friend from bursting into tears!


	7. Notice

I'm very sorry to say that _101 Ways to Burn Down Isengard _is officially discontinued. Maggie seems to have lost interest in it, and I figure it's pointless to keep going if it's no longer any fun. To all our loyal reviewers out there, thanks for sticking with us, and I apologise terribly for just abandoning this as we have done. I can't say I'm happy about this, and I would continue on without her, but it just wouldn't be the same. So go and take this off your alert lists, I'm sure it's just taking up space.

_--Riza_


End file.
